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The things you hear in the pub - One-minute story from "Continuum" - waiting to be released.


‘My wife has the fattest backside you’ve ever seen.’

I was looking round. We’d arranged to meet here at Nine-o-nine. I hadn’t seen him, but my ears pricked up now. I definitely know those tones.

‘It is the biggest, most rounded, most distended—’

It got lost as I picked my way round the crush… But, yes… sounded like my hubby’s voice amid the chinking of glasses.

‘And her voice,’ the unseen voice was saying… ‘The shriekiest… split your eardrums… on a par with a…’ I think it compared me with Screaming Scarletta off the televids!

‘Gordal Myti!’ I heard that voice again – definitely my Charli. ‘Spots? Spots! You never seen spots like’em this side of galactic centre…’

‘As for her boo—’ I lost a bit there in the babble… It’s a noisy place on Virhday evenings, the public bar in the Laughing Limpet.

Then there was something about ‘huge and red and ripe.’ I don’t know if he meant the spots or my backside…

Just wait till he gets over here with the drinks…

Patiently, I waited, forcing a smile to two other couples nearby. ‘He’s just so full of compliments these days, my Charli. Ahh, here he comes.’

I flubbered up, waved a couple of flippers so he could see where I’d found a place… just you wait…

Smiled more at the other two couples as Charli approached, bearing drinks and nibbles; and he hasn’t forgotten his own smokes, of course.

‘Oooh, Luv… you say the most wonderful things. Is my backside really that attractive? And my spots? Really turn you on, do they?’ I glowed them up a bit, especially for the benefit of our drinking neighbours, all across my thorassia in radiating patterns, and settled down for a lovely romantic evening with my Charli.

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