IT’S IN MI DRAWERS
‘Ay up, yon drawer just shut its sen.’
I’m in the back of my garage in the extension I built, like a workshop where I can do all my fixing things and building, adapting and repairs and all that.
And drawers that shut themselves just in't on. I'm not having that.
Okay, so it’s a bit of a pit-heap and there’s junk everywhere. Except, of course, it in’t all junk, it’s my stuff and tools that I know and love and use – most of it. Course, some of it, I don’t use every day… and it clutters up t’bench and’t shelves and under’t bench and everywhere.
But I’m not having summat come shuttin’t drawers just like that when I’m getting stuff out on’em all’t time.
I’m doing a bit of maintenance on’t trailer, cos I’m off camping in’t South o’ France at weekend, and I’ve got to put wheels back on and check brakes and all that.
And the set of drawers under’t bench – they’re easy places to dump things off the bench – like mi spanners and screwdriver and wheel nuts for’t trailer. It’s dead simple just to open the end drawer and hand-sweep stuff into it – out o’ sight and all that, and then I know where’t stuff is f’t trailer next time I need it. There’s four drawers in a row – plus a couple o’ tea chests for the big stuff. Like mi tent and pegs and cooking stuff and all that gubbins.
That drawer, end’n on’t left, were solid stuck when I started this morning. Had to prise it open wi’t big driver from mi toolbox. And I’m getting started on’t trailer when I hear this sliding noise, and’t drawer’s just shut its sen.
Well, I mean. What d’y’do?
I went over and pulled it back open, got the grease gun out, and a pair o’ pliers and left it open agen.
There’s something in there. It pulled the drawer back shut. Drawers don’t do that on their own.
So I propped it open wi’ a spanner. I’m getting on wi’t job, and’t spanner goes flying up in’t air, and drawer’s shut its sen agen.
Right. If it’s war then. I got a brick and shoved it in, dead solid wedge, that was. And I outstared it. Ten bloody minutes, it took, but it did it! Brick suddenly comes hurtling up in’t air and practically through’t ceiling o’ mi garage.
Right, I’m throwing caution t’ wind now, and I pulled it open and shouted in, ‘Whoever you are. Come on out.’ I kept hold of it, till I felt it tremble, and I didn’t want to lose mi fingers, so I let go. And I’m kneeling there shouting back in’t drawer again. ‘You shut y’sen agen and I’ll take this to y’.’ And I held mi circular power saw and gave it a quick burst – teeth ripping into’t edge o’t bench top – I usually do that by accident. ‘It’ll have this thing apart in no time,’ I warned it. ‘Then you’ll have nowhere to live. So come on out. Show thi’sens.’
So I’m waiting for like half a minute and I give it another buzz and a quick rip at the top edge. There’s all this noise, and sawdust flying in all directions. I give it a rest and shout, ‘Are you coming out then?’ And there’s like a little shuffling noise inside. And it’s not words I know, but I’m getting them in mi head and it’s saying like, ‘We are the mighty Arakka. Do not attempt to interfere with us.’
‘What y doing here?’ I asked.
‘This is our base.’
‘What? Back o’ my garage?’
‘This is merely the beginning.’ This voice, sounding like a cross between the Emperor Ming and Betty who runs chippy on’t corner.
‘Beginning o’ what?’
‘World domination.’
‘Well, that’s a laugh for a start. Summat little, using my set o’ drawers in back o’ mi garage? Daren’t even show y’ sens.’ I laughed and give the saw another quick buzz, to reassure misen and put frighteners on ’em a bit more. Thought I saw something glittering in there. Is it eyes or a super-weapon? I asked mi sen.
‘World domination? Tha’s starting in’t wrong place for that, tha knows. Our Arthur tried it – Young Scargill, and look where it got him. No-bloody-wheer.’
There was silence. I lowered the buzz saw – big heavy Parkside one from Lidl, it is. I cut mi sen with it once, nearly had mi thumb off. Besides, I din’t really want to chop mi bench up. ‘What you got in there? Mother mutant mouse? No? Spaceship, is it?’
The silence seemed a mite negative. ‘No spaceship, huh? Been abandoned? Or – it occurred to me, ‘is it a time and space portal gate you’re setting up?’
‘A what?’ comes back at me.
‘Ahh, so you’re on your own, are you?’
Bit of an awkward silence. Then it… or they… come out wi’ it agen, ‘We seek World Domination.’
‘Course you do,’ I said. ‘But this in’t the place fo’ thi to be starting, like I said. It’s cowd’n’wet here all t’ time round here. No… what you want is somewhere warm and sunny to get y’ sens started.’
‘Oh?’ comes this querying thought wave from t’ drawer.
‘Aye, where you need to be is South of France.
Silence again. ‘I can show y’t brochures, if y’ like. Or if you can peek inside mi ’ed? Aye – ooh, y’ can.’
So I started having thoughts about South of France from last couple o’ years – sun, sea, palm trees, vin plonk, this French bird I met— Not there. I warned them off that bit, and I’m getting all these warm thoughts about the idea.
‘The people there? Are they hard, determined fighters?’
‘The French? Gimme a laugh. The French? Nah, everybody pushes them round. Us, and’t Germans do, anyroad. Bit of a shove and a threat and they roll ovver, every time. Least bit of an invasion – y’know. Owt from Leeds United up t’ Germans. Tha’s’ll be all raight theer.
Tell y’ what – I’m going camping down that way at weekend – I could give thee a lift, if tha fancies?’
IT’S IN MI DRAWERS
‘Ay up, yon drawer just shut its sen.’
I’m in the back of my garage in the extension I built, like a workshop where I can do all my fixing things and building, adapting and repairs and all that. Okay, so it’s a bit of a pit-heap and there’s junk everywhere. Except, of course, it in’t all junk, it’s my stuff and tools that I know and love and use – most of it. Course, some of it, I don’t use every day… and it clutters up t’bench and’t shelves and under’t bench and everywhere.
But I’m not having summat come shuttin’t drawers just like that when I’m getting stuff out on’em all’t time.
I’m doing a bit of maintenance on’t trailer, cos I’m off camping in’t South o’ France at weekend, and I’ve got to put wheels back on and check brakes and all that.
And the set of drawers under’t bench – they’re easy places to dump things off the bench – like mi spanners and screwdriver and wheel nuts for’t trailer. It’s dead simple just to open the end drawer and hand-sweep stuff into it – out o’ sight and all that, and then I know where’t stuff is f’t trailer next time I need it. There’s four drawers in a row – plus a couple o’ tea chests for the big stuff. Like mi tent and pegs and cooking stuff and all that gubbins.
That drawer, end’n on’t left, were solid stuck when I started this morning. Had to prise it open wi’t big driver from mi toolbox. And I’m getting started on’t trailer when I hear this sliding noise, and’t drawer’s just shut its sen.
Well, I mean. What d’y’do?
I went over and pulled it back open, got the grease gun out, and a pair o’ pliers and left it open agen.
There’s something in there. It pulled the drawer back shut. Drawers don’t do that on their own.
So I propped it open wi’ a spanner. I’m getting on wi’t job, and’t spanner goes flying up in’t air, and drawer’s shut its sen agen.
Right. If it’s war then. I got a brick and shoved it in, dead solid wedge, that was. And I outstared it. Ten bloody minutes, it took, but it did it! Brick suddenly comes hurtling up in’t air and practically through’t ceiling o’ mi garage.
Right, I’m throwing caution t’ wind now, and I pulled it open and shouted in, ‘Whoever you are. Come on out.’ I kept hold of it, till I felt it tremble, and I didn’t want to lose mi fingers, so I let go. And I’m kneeling there shouting back in’t drawer again. ‘You shut y’sen agen and I’ll take this to y’.’ And I held mi circular power saw and gave it a quick burst – teeth ripping into’t edge o’t bench top – I usually do that by accident. ‘It’ll have this thing apart in no time,’ I warned it. ‘Then you’ll have nowhere to live. So come on out. Show thi’sens.’
So I’m waiting for like half a minute and I give it another buzz and a quick rip at the top edge. There’s all this noise, and sawdust flying in all directions. I give it a rest and shout, ‘Are you coming out then?’ And there’s like a little shuffling noise inside. And it’s not words I know, but I’m getting them in mi head and it’s saying like, ‘We are the mighty Arakka. Do not attempt to interfere with us.’
‘What y doing here?’ I asked.
‘This is our base.’
‘What? Back o’ my garage?’
‘This is merely the beginning.’ This voice, sounding like a cross between the Emperor Ming and Betty who runs chippy on’t corner.
‘Beginning o’ what?’
‘World domination.’
‘Well, that’s a laugh for a start. Summat little, using my set o’ drawers in back o’ mi garage? Daren’t even show y’ sens.’ I laughed and give the saw another quick buzz, to reassure misen and put frighteners on ’em a bit more. Thought I saw something glittering in there. Is it eyes or a super-weapon? I asked mi sen.
‘World domination? Tha’s starting in’t wrong place for that, tha knows. Our Arthur tried it – Young Scargill, and look where it got him. No-bloody-wheer.’
There was silence. I lowered the buzz saw – big heavy Parkside one from Lidl, it is. I cut mi sen with it once, nearly had mi thumb off. Besides, I din’t really want to chop mi bench up. ‘What you got in there? Mother mutant mouse? No? Spaceship, is it?’
The silence seemed a mite negative. ‘No spaceship, huh? Been abandoned? Or – it occurred to me, ‘is it a time and space portal gate you’re setting up?’
‘A what?’ comes back at me.
‘Ahh, so you’re on your own, are you?’
Bit of an awkward silence. Then it… or they… come out wi’ it agen, ‘We seek World Domination.’
‘Course you do,’ I said. ‘But this in’t the place fo’ thi to be starting, like I said. It’s cowd’n’wet here all t’ time round here. No… what you want is somewhere warm and sunny to get y’ sens started.’
‘Oh?’ comes this querying thought wave from t’ drawer.
‘Aye, where you need to be is South of France.
Silence again. ‘I can show y’t brochures, if y’ like. Or if you can peek inside mi ’ed? Aye – ooh, y’ can.’
So I started having thoughts about South of France from last couple o’ years – sun, sea, palm trees, vin plonk, this French bird I met— Not there. I warned them off that bit, and I’m getting all these warm thoughts about the idea.
‘The people there? Are they hard, determined fighters?’
‘The French? Gimme a laugh. The French? Nah, everybody pushes them round. Us, and’t Germans do, anyroad. Bit of a shove and a threat and they roll ovver, every time. Least bit of an invasion – y’know. Owt from Leeds United up t’ Germans. Tha’s’ll be all raight theer.
Tell y’ what – I’m going camping down that way at weekend – I could give thee a lift, if tha fancies?’